I bitch & gripe all i like!

Archive for September 2008

Start of work @ Singapore Motorshow tmr! So for peeps who r interested, catch me @ the Nissan booth 😀

I’ve been preparing early for my exam since it falls on one of the Motorshow days and since i’ll be working – i’ve no choice but to cram early & pray i still do reasonably well for the exam. Overall however, my hopes of a distinction r pretty much dashed since 40% of it depended on the prj presentation, which had totally sucked BIG time according to Mr Sunny Goh =/ I give him some credit though – since he had still given us pretty good tips for this coming exam. The skeptic in me says there’s something to it, prob like some trick qns in the exam paper, but well…’never look a gift horse in the mouth’~ If i’m well prepared, then no trick qns will get me down anyway 😛

Can’t wait to get the exam over & done with, so i could enjoy my 6-wk holidays!!!

*i’ve taken a vow of skepticism on men & relationships*

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Life has kinda been getting me down recently. As my graduation from SIM draws closer with only 2 modules left to go, i find myself dreading the question of what i intend to do abt/for my future once i get my degree =/ Because I DON’T KNOW.

I’ve been freelancing as a so-called ‘model/showgirl’ for a long time now & to be honest there are times when the competitiveness and bitching and whatnot really makes me sick. The industry has turned me into someone who’s constantly insecure abt the way she looks: whether i’m skinny enough, whether i’m pretty/cute/sexy enough, whether i’m just ever gonna be good enough.

I enjoy the flexibility and freedom that comes along with freelancing. On days i’m not working i sleep in late, i go shopping and i dun have to be stuck in front of a computer in an office. But i know the income is never stable and will never be enough, and i know there is always competition with more and more fresh,young faces coming in. Sigh.

Some other things have been bothering me too. Just little things that trigger my imagination and i’m always told that i’m overly negative and pessimistic. Can’t help it though. That’s me. Always expecting the worst. I imagine that once i launch into a full-time job, i’d probably hate it and start to resent the fact that YOU’re always flying around. I imagine that what was once enough ‘quality time’ will be reduced since i’ll only be free on weekends and YOU might not even necessarily be around on weekends. All these will just make me a resentful person and YOU’ll discover that the person u thought u knew/loved isn’t the same person anymore and that’s probably the end.

SIGH 😦

*if only i hadn’t lost my faith*

Didn’t have time to update on the happenings of Fri & Sat as i was damn tired.

Fri: went to Boat Quay for drinks after school since it was Dusk’s bday, and Kin’s glasses became the ‘centre of attraction’ for everyone…here r the pictures to prove it 😀

 Kin with his super geeky glasses

 Me with Kin’s glasses…looks dumb but cute…haha

 Tuesday trying on the glasss as well! Looks gd…

 Me & Vicky who dropped by for a lil while, she looks damn fair next to me la! *grumbles*

I left pretty early at ard 2am as the next day was my mom’s bday but i still didn’t get a good sleep so i was really tired when my family got to Kbox for a ‘ka-la-ok’ session. Plus my bro was hogging the remote control and the mike, so i sang like only 5 songs 😦

 my brother…who’s a Jay Chou fan

 I was bored since he was hogging the mike…haha 😛

*Exam fever is coming…*

Woohoo~ I’m in a good mood today! Had a movie marathon, so i watched ‘Stepbrothers’ & ‘Wall E’ back to back & both were pretty good shows. I usually have a short attn span which means i can’t sit still for too long but thankfully the two movies were really not bad…i did get a little ‘unfocused’ during the beginning of Wall E but it got better after awhile when the storyline starting moving along. My verdict btwn the 2 is – ‘Stepbrothers’ is really farnee sh*t so pls go catch it if ur 18 n above! 😛

 My movie-kaki for the day, the mysterious Mr. X hurhur!

I had fun today so thks to Mr. X for his company for the entire day which included: lunch, coffee, buying magazines @ Kinokuniya, 2 movies + dinner.  Really helped chased my emo-ness away. And also for buying me stuff from overseas and esp KK donuts~ which i have a love-hate relationship with. They’re positively yummy but they also make me FAT 😛

 Yummy!!! I got 12 original sugar-glazed ones this time…*drool*

BTW, Mr. X is wonderful, not bad-looking, caring, smart, confident, self-assured, eloquent and basically an all-round ‘eligible’ bachelor. Interested pls drop me a comment with ur details & a photo of urself (females only)…i will be his ‘manager’ wahaha! *evil laughter*

Fun’s gonna be over pretty soon though…tmr will be the last lesson of the module & Mr Sunny Goh will be sharing exam tips so that means tmr’s class is SUPER impt…Zzzzz. It also means that i’ll be burning the midnight oil in preparation of the exam…sigh 😦

*Trust is something i have no courage to give.*

I’m trying to sleep earlier from now on so that my bio-clock will get readjusted and i’ll feel less irritable. *cross fingers*

Slept at 3am last nite, which may be damn late to some or most ppl, but considering my current bedtime is 5am, it’s an improvement!

Plus i woke up @ 11.30am, again this may seem extremely luxurious to working ppl who have to get outta bed at 7am & battle the peak-hr traffic to work but this really is early to me, since i have only been waking up at 3pm, or sometimes, even 4pm these days 😛

Come to think of it, i’ll be buring the midnight oil soon when my exams r nearing so its kinda pointless to start readjusting my body clock now…but whatever. I just dun want to lie on my bed at 2am & still not be able to sleep simply bcuz my body is saying it’s still early! It’s as bad as insomnia 😦

*sorry for being such a crab & giving u a headache on top of ur fever. forgive me?*

I’m in a really self-destructive mood these few days.

When i’m in self-destruct mode, it basically means i feel super irritable & cranky & sensitive. Kinda like PMS X 10. When i’m in that kind of mood, i feel like doing nothing except sleep, play games, eat junk food, stay at home & grow fat. When i’m in that kind of mood, i’m spoiling for a fight & i tend to pick on little things so that i can argue with ppl over it. I also feel like screaming in frustration bcuz i dun like such mood swings yet i can’t seem to control myself. Yes i’m childish, annoying, temperamental, unreasonable and hot-tempered.

Maybe it’s bcuz my grp project presentation sucked BIG time & i have this ominous feeling that the lecturer will FAIL us for the project. Maybe it’s bcuz my exam clashes with the carshow i’m doing & it means one day loss of income for me, which is ALOT to me. Maybe it’s bcuz i’ve been sleeping late so often these days that my entire bio-clock is messed up & i can only sleep when its 5am. Maybe it’s bcuz i wanted someone to talk to & that someone just ain’t there for me.

“i really feel like crap. I feel resentful, unhappy, insecure, inadequate & discontent. It sucks trying to be understanding when all i wanna do is kick up a BIG fuss & scream & throw my tantrums. I’m not an understanding person to begin with & the last thing i wanna do is to tolerate what is beyond my tolerance & trying to pretend to be someone/something i’m not.”

I feel damn crappy 😦

The presentation for my group project really sucked 😦

It received perhaps the WORST feedback i had from any lecturer for any module and i do not fully concur with the feedback given.

Whilst it may be correct that our presentation format was dry (fine so we didn’t have any videos or interviews or talkshow format ala ‘rouge’) and that our content wasn’t strong enough, it definitely does not mean we did not put in effort. How can u completely undermine our efforts with a statement such as ‘i wonder how much effort was put into this?’?

I agree our content was perhaps out-of-point and lacking in relevance with the subject at hand (maybe it’s just YOU who can’t SEE the relevance), but that does not mean we handed in slipshod work without effort. That was a completely unfair & unobjective assumption which a seasoned journalist like urself should know better.

I also noticed u proceeded to shoot down my portion of the presentation after i objected with what u had to say – or was that just a coincidence? No doubt u had every right to question our project findings as the lecturer but was ur comment really constructive criticism? U said -“the part which u presented was nothing new, it was something everyone already knew and there was no breakthrough blah blah blah” and i responded with a curt “it was an introduction.” I dun think my introduction was unnecessary as there is definitely a need to have an intro to give the audience a basic idea before we ease into the actual content/presentation. Ur comment on that to me, was really uncalled for and yes i’m taking this personally because that’s what u did as well.

If entertaining u with a skit or talkshow format was ur idea of a good presentation, then i’m sorry that our wordy powerpoint bored u. Maybe i should have just come up with a visual that says ‘The Amanda Swa Show’ & brought along my own couch and soundtrack. *rolls eyes* Whilst i agreed that our presentation wasn’t exactly interesting, we had hopes that the content(which was meant to be argumentative by the way) would have sufficed. But u shd not equate the lack of visuals and dumb acting with a lack of effort. That to me, is damn unfair.

U wanted non politically-correct content? U wanted personality? Find it here on my blog.

*Where were u when i needed someone to talk to?*


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